A Guide to Understanding the "Oldest Child Syndrome!"
From the Oldest Childs Eyes....
If
you are the oldest child of several, or had Children of your own, then
you know about the "Oldest Child Syndrome." What?!? You don't
understand? Allow me to elaborate.
The oldest child is an
experimental model. Sure, there are books out there offering advise,
like "Toddlers, What to Expect," And what not. But just because there is
a book out there, does not mean that your child will go "by the book"
so to speak. For that matter, every child is different.
Each and every child is a learning experience. One might be colicky, and one might sleep a lot, and then one might be allergic to everything under the sun. You can never pre-plan your life out with Children. You can certainly try, and might even get successful from time to time. But don't count on it always happening.
"They" say that the oldest child cannot get along with, and/or have a relationship with another oldest child. It's true, and it's not true. My husband and I are both the oldest children. Personally, I would have to say, as with having any relationship with anyone, it all depends on you. The way you act, and are- is usually because of the way you were raised. If you and the other person that you want to have a relationship with, have similarities, and you both are determined to make it work, you can.
A lot of burden is laid upon the oldest child, though. Something many of you might not have realized. You as the oldest are expected to set an example, your younger siblings look up to you, and learn from your mistakes. That's right, those mistakes are yours to make first! And more often that not, you will make plenty of them!
But one thing that parents to Children need to think about is this: Stop comparing and expecting your children to be alike. "Why can't you be more like your brother?!" Because he isn't him! No matter how hard you try, no two children are alike. They might have similarities, but they are not the same, trust me.
As the oldest child, a lot of burden is laid upon you, and it complicates everything. You know for every action there is a reaction, but on the same token, no one has tried this before, so why not. So you make mistakes, and learn from them, and sometimes so do your parents and siblings as well. It's something you have to live with daily.
Sure the second and third born child might think the same thing; "Well my older brother never did this, so maybe I ought to see why." Children are even experimental on their own. They want to try new things, and make a name for themselves.
Children compete for your approval, and love. They actually think they need to for whatever reason. Reassuring them helps a little, but in their constantly running minds, they still want to make your proud. They want to be noticed, and they need to be noticed.
But you see, the first born, is the one you as the Parents learn on, or so you think. You think you got it down pat, thinking that screaming and yelling with make this child behave; it will work with the second one too. Surprise! Screaming and yelling doesn't faze the second born, he simply wants grounded and sent to his room. Ok, now you think you got it down pat. Low and behold next week, the second born accepts screaming and yelling and straightens out his act. What?!? That didn't faze him before. Just like us, Children change. They grow up, they decide they might accept the yelling over the grounding, because once you yell, it's over done with, gone- and they can move on.
Grounding lasts for various times, and they are stuck at home. You can never predict what punishment will suit which child. Always remember, we are all different, each and every single one of us.
Being a Parent is a wonderful opportunity, and it takes being understanding, and strong as well as loving. It also takes having faith in yourself and the ones you love! Be strong, and supportive, as well as loving. Oh, and just so you are aware, even you as the Parent are going to make mistakes. Trust me!
Although, being the first born, takes knowing that you are the example, your Parents learned with you and from you, and that your siblings will always look up to you, no matter what you do. They consider you lucky, even if you had a rough childhood. You have memories they don't, and you had your parents alone and all to yourself once.
Sure there are issues for the middle child, and even the baby. But because I am the first born, I can't really tell you first hand about that. I can only offer you advise to being the first born, and having children- and relating to them as they grow up.
Everyone has issues; it's just that the oldest child, is higher up on the pedestal, and watched. You learn and you grow with your Children, but it's the oldest child who you initially learned on, from and with.
Think about it......
Each and every child is a learning experience. One might be colicky, and one might sleep a lot, and then one might be allergic to everything under the sun. You can never pre-plan your life out with Children. You can certainly try, and might even get successful from time to time. But don't count on it always happening.
"They" say that the oldest child cannot get along with, and/or have a relationship with another oldest child. It's true, and it's not true. My husband and I are both the oldest children. Personally, I would have to say, as with having any relationship with anyone, it all depends on you. The way you act, and are- is usually because of the way you were raised. If you and the other person that you want to have a relationship with, have similarities, and you both are determined to make it work, you can.
A lot of burden is laid upon the oldest child, though. Something many of you might not have realized. You as the oldest are expected to set an example, your younger siblings look up to you, and learn from your mistakes. That's right, those mistakes are yours to make first! And more often that not, you will make plenty of them!
But one thing that parents to Children need to think about is this: Stop comparing and expecting your children to be alike. "Why can't you be more like your brother?!" Because he isn't him! No matter how hard you try, no two children are alike. They might have similarities, but they are not the same, trust me.
As the oldest child, a lot of burden is laid upon you, and it complicates everything. You know for every action there is a reaction, but on the same token, no one has tried this before, so why not. So you make mistakes, and learn from them, and sometimes so do your parents and siblings as well. It's something you have to live with daily.
Sure the second and third born child might think the same thing; "Well my older brother never did this, so maybe I ought to see why." Children are even experimental on their own. They want to try new things, and make a name for themselves.
Children compete for your approval, and love. They actually think they need to for whatever reason. Reassuring them helps a little, but in their constantly running minds, they still want to make your proud. They want to be noticed, and they need to be noticed.
But you see, the first born, is the one you as the Parents learn on, or so you think. You think you got it down pat, thinking that screaming and yelling with make this child behave; it will work with the second one too. Surprise! Screaming and yelling doesn't faze the second born, he simply wants grounded and sent to his room. Ok, now you think you got it down pat. Low and behold next week, the second born accepts screaming and yelling and straightens out his act. What?!? That didn't faze him before. Just like us, Children change. They grow up, they decide they might accept the yelling over the grounding, because once you yell, it's over done with, gone- and they can move on.
Grounding lasts for various times, and they are stuck at home. You can never predict what punishment will suit which child. Always remember, we are all different, each and every single one of us.
Being a Parent is a wonderful opportunity, and it takes being understanding, and strong as well as loving. It also takes having faith in yourself and the ones you love! Be strong, and supportive, as well as loving. Oh, and just so you are aware, even you as the Parent are going to make mistakes. Trust me!
Although, being the first born, takes knowing that you are the example, your Parents learned with you and from you, and that your siblings will always look up to you, no matter what you do. They consider you lucky, even if you had a rough childhood. You have memories they don't, and you had your parents alone and all to yourself once.
Sure there are issues for the middle child, and even the baby. But because I am the first born, I can't really tell you first hand about that. I can only offer you advise to being the first born, and having children- and relating to them as they grow up.
Everyone has issues; it's just that the oldest child, is higher up on the pedestal, and watched. You learn and you grow with your Children, but it's the oldest child who you initially learned on, from and with.
Think about it......
Published by Deneale K. Williams
The Following comments were left on Associated Content and therefore, since they, along with yahoo voices are closing down, I am saving these comments to the blog, because I feel they need shared:
jimrich 3/1/2013Unless mentally prepared for the next child, an older kid can come to hate and abuse the younger siblings when their parents give all the love and attention to the next kid in line. The oldest can not or dares not confront the negligent parents who the kid loves and respects so the 1st may decide to take our their anger and frustration on an easier and SAFER target = the new baby. Sibling rivalry is ALWAYS the by product of bad and inadequate parenting which sets the kids up to hate and fear each other rather than be loving, respectful friends.- jimrich 11/17/2012re: Reassuring them helps a little, but in their constantly running minds, they still want to make your proud. They want to be noticed, and they need to be noticed.
Their minds "run constantly" because of the stress INADEQUATE parenting places on them! Good parenting would automatically let them know you are proud and would give them plenty of ATTENTION, so the kids would have no need to STRUGGLE for it or have these "constantly running minds" ! To understand any child, you need to CLOSELY EXAMINE their parents, otherwise you just think it's all some natural state within the child alone. - jimrich 11/17/2012re: Children compete for your approval, and love.
They compete when their parents are aloof, preoccupied, indifferent, negligent, JEALOUS or very inadequate which FORCES the kids to strain and struggle for love & approval which the parents cannot give or withhold from the kids. You make the behavior of the kids seem natural and predictable but it's more natural for parents to give their kids love and approval so the kids don't HAVE to compete for it!
They actually think they need to for whatever reason.
The "reason", which you seem not to understand, is simply that INADEQUATE parents make it necessary for their stressed kids to have to struggle and "think they need to". Healthy, loving parents would not place this burden on their kids to "actually think they need" to do anything. Look closer at Parenting!
Reassuring them helps a little, but in their constantly running minds, they still want to make your proud. They want to be noticed, and they need to be noticed.
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